The distressed owner wailed, ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, I am sure, the duck is dead’, he replied.

‘How can you be so sure?’ she protested. ‘I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.’

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, then returned and said, I’m sorry, but your duck certainly is dead.’

Still the woman was not satisfied, so the vet left the room again, returning shortly after with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it’s haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, ‘I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.’

The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, nearly died when she saw the bill.

‘$150!’ she cried, ‘$150 just to tell me that my duck is dead!’

The vet shrugged. ‘I’m sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it’s now $150.’

Moral of the story –

If you are not well informed in your job, you might well miss a great opportunity.

My friend’s mate was in trouble. He’d forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really mad. She told him, ‘Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 k’s in four seconds flat. And it had better be there!’

The next morning, my friend’s mate got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her pink chenille robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back inside the house. She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.

My friend’s mate’s funeral has been arranged for this Friday.

Courtesy of Balmacewen Lions Club Newsletter

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:$20

Coffee:$4

Total: $24

Oil Change Instructions For Men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.

2. Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower car from jack stands.

34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive car.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. Car gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Total Money spent:

Parts:$50

DIC:$2,500

Impound fee: $75

Bail:$1,5000

Beer:$20

Total: $4.145

but you know the job was done right!

“What’s the matter?” asked the constable. “Carburettor’s frozen,” was the terse reply. “Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.” “Can’t.”
“OK, watch me and I will show you.” The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the Waiouru office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded.”